Communication Breakdown — What’s Really Going On?

By Yolanda Testani, RP | Clairville Therapy Group

Ever have a conversation with your partner that goes from “Hey, can you take out the garbage?” to “You never help around here!” in under 30 seconds?

You’re not alone. Most couples don’t struggle because they can’t communicate — they struggle because stress, assumptions, and emotional patterns get in the way. What looks like a communication issue is often something deeper.

The Real Roots of Disconnection

When communication breaks down, it’s usually because of:

  • Unspoken expectations

  • Emotional triggers from past wounds

  • Different attachment styles (more on that below)

  • Stress and overwhelm hijacking your patience

One common pattern we see is the pursue-withdraw cycle: One partner pushes for connection or resolution (“We need to talk!”), while the other shuts down or pulls away (“Can we not do this right now?”). This can create frustration, distance, and feelings of being misunderstood on both sides.

Attachment Styles in Action

The way you learned to connect (or protect yourself) early in life often shows up in adult relationships. For example:

  • Anxious attachment might look like needing reassurance or fearing abandonment.

  • Avoidant attachment might show up as needing space or avoiding difficult conversations.

Neither is “wrong” — but understanding your patterns helps you show up with more compassion for yourself and your partner.

Three Ways to Break the Cycle

  1. Pause before reacting. Ask yourself, “What’s really going on here — and what am I needing?”

  2. Name the feeling, not the fault. Try “I’m feeling overwhelmed and alone” instead of “You never help.”

  3. Use repair language. “Can we try that again?” or “I think we got off track — can we start over?”

These small shifts can help turn conflict into connection.

Therapy Can Help
In couples therapy, we help you identify unhelpful cycles and create new ways of relating — with less blame and more understanding. Whether you’re caught in constant arguments or long silences, there’s a path back to feeling heard.

Tomorrow’s post:
“Day 4: Anxiety in Motherhood — You’re Not Alone”

We support couples and individuals across Ontario — book a free 15-minute consultation at www.clairvilletherapygroup.com to learn more.

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